This last Saturday I went to my first ever BDSM party. I went there with some fear and anxiety. I was afraid of seeing some acts that would make me uncomfortable and just be generally hard to watch. I was worried I would see abuse. It felt dangerous. I felt nervous. I was very afraid I would be approached to engage in play. I expected this to happen many times. What follows is a real story.
What I saw was beautiful, inspiring, and positive. My faith in people was restored and my fear relinquished.
I had been an honorary member of the BDSM fetish and kink communities for a few years now. As an honorary member I talked with my kinkster friends often and had expressed interest in going to their social meetups called “munches” and kink play parties. The first thing that struck me about these people was their raw honesty and apparent lack of fear. This is a very personal subject. Some would call it a dark secret. Most would include it in their “unmentionables” pile. But not Sadie. She’s an amazon.
In the BDSM and kink communities which from now on I will refer to simply as the community anonymity is important, but so is honesty. Everyone in the community has a kink name that is different from their given one. Or at least that’s how it should work. In practice I found that it is mostly the women who use pseudo names and the men keep their everyday names. I’m not sure why this is the case.
When Sadie first started telling me about her involvement with the kink community I was a bit shocked. Not by the types of activities she was describing but that she was telling me all these real things that happened. She was so honest, so open, so fearless. This was the first time in my life anyone had talked openly with me about their own sexual perversions. I soaked it in and asked for more…
Here’s some of what Sadie shared with me that I’d like to pass on…
- structure within the community
- sub/dom relationships
- safety & consent
- checking in with your partner
- how to negotiate
- how to be respectful
- fire play
- needle play
- protocol parties
- slave positions
- play parties
There is an order to things in the community. There is structure, protocols, safety words, and moderators. You are safer exploring your kinky side within the bounds of the community or at a play party than you are in your own home. Here’s why…
- The community is serious about safety.
- They look out for their own and guard against predators.
- Your anonymity is valued, respected, and protected.
- They are knowledgeable about their craft.
- They negotiate everything.
- They ask for permission.
- They respect the bounds of your relationship.
- Nothing is expected of you.
- There is no pressure.
- There are party moderators who job is to protect you and ensure the rules are followed.
- Safe words are always used for slow down or complete stop.
- After care is practiced to aid in the recovery of a sub after a scene is performed.
- They are not judgmental.
They are not creeps.
They are just like you…and a lot like me.
Every community is different. If you are reading this and are involved with the kink community in your city please understand this is based on the community I am involved with. It can represent nothing else. This community in Austin is the only one I have known. Though I would like to know others. Just a disclaimer I do not presume to know or assume all communities are the same. Every community is independently operated.
Here’s what I know about the Austin kink community…
The Austin Kink community is a social one. They are out and proud. They gather in public and discuss their fetishes openly at weekly meetups called “Munches”. There’s a munch in South Austin and one in North Austin. Some people go to both but most go to the one closest to them. I have attended both groups.
The munch is a social gathering open to all. There you will find experts, amateurs, and wannabes. The munches are held at local bars and are well attended. There is no sexual play at a munch. You can talk to people about their experiences or about sports. You can meet other kinksters you might like to play with in the future. You can buy tickets for an upcoming play party (held monthly). You can negotiate scenes. And you can drink.
The first munch I went to was the South Austin munch. I went with a few friends. And I held on to that safety blanket for a while. Before this I had attended a few private social events within the community so I already knew some people. Again, I was surprised at how friendly, social, and open the people were. I truly felt welcomed and not just because I was fresh meat.
I talked to people about how they were first introduced to the community, their kinks and fetishes, and their experiences at recent parties. Then I saw Sierra…
She walked into the bar rather meekly, looked around for a minute, and then took up residence on a bench on the outskirts of our large group. I did not know her. I had never seen her before and I didn’t think she was part of the community. I asked my friends if they knew who she was. I was told “she’s interesting”. She was the most beautiful person in the bar, and by far the one I was most attracted to in the group. I had to talk to her. I wanted to at least try.
So I asked my friends to go over with me and make introductions. They kindly obliged.
“Hi, I’m Faye.”
“I’m Sierra, it’s nice to meet you. Would you like to sit down?”
Yes, yes I would. We talked for hours. I let go of my safety blanket.
We talked about male sex entitlement, consent issues and gray areas, working in the adult industry, confidence, and how to guard yourself against verbal and physical abuse. She has been around the community for many years and would consider herself a bit of a veteran. She grew up in a liberal, sex positive household. From an early age she was familiar with or at least aware of alternative lifestyles such as polyamory, kink, fetish, and LGBT. Her parents raised her athiest/agnostic and so she had no religious influences.
I also met another girl that night. She already knew Sierra. The three of us spent a while discussing consent, rape, and the gray areas.
Sierra had a unique perspective on body and personal confidence. Sierra has been stripping professionally for the last two years.
The location of the party was remote. It was about 45 minutes outside of Austin proper. The roads we took to get there were really poorly maintained. It felt like I was on some kind of sex safari. I carpooled with my friends in the community. We were some of the first to arrive. Sadie wanted to make sure we got there in time for the hog tying tutorial at 8:30. The party would start afterwards.
When we first went inside the house the first thing I saw was a girl topless on the couch cuddling with another girl. I like this place already. Sadie gave me a tour of the house. It was a house, not a dungeon, a warehouse, or club. The main room you walk into when you enter the house was the designated social area and no play was allowed here. It included the living room, kitchen, and another room for recovery.
Everyone was smiling and friendly. Mostly they were catching up with friends and partners. It was a very social and pleasant atmosphere. We continued the tour and saw the different rooms available for play. The house was arranged in a U shape around a central room which I’ll refer to as the main play room. This central room was very large and had an open ceiling to the second floor where there was a convenient viewing deck overlooking the room.
The main play room had many tables some looked like massage tables, others were tables with benches meant for being bent over, there was a long solid wood table. The most interesting feature this room was a floor to ceiling spider web wheel made of wood and chain. A few of the girls were climbing it and sitting on the top. There was also a pulley system installed with a rope hanging from he ceiling that could be used for suspension. The main play room was very open and airy the rooms of the house were more isolated and much smaller. Many kind of play and scenes could occur simultaneously in the main play room.
The other rooms of the house were arranged around the main play room. There were two floors and an outside deck. The rooms were much the same. They all had massage and/or medical tables, large floor to ceiling wooden Xs, and various tie and suspension points. Oh and a mini-dungeon room, but it was more like a closet with a metal bars for a wall.
The party started with the hog tie tutorial in the main play room. There was an older couple there to teach although this particular play party was 35 and under. On the floor was laid out a yoga mat and many ropes or varying size. He started by binding the hands leaving a long piece of rope hanging to tighten. He then had the sub lay stomach down on the mat. He bound the feet leaving a loop available. He took the rope left over from the hands strung it through the available loop by the feet and cinched it up creating an impressive arch in the back. He explained at every step safety precautions including not making the rope too tight so as to avoid making the hands and feet go numb. He talked about how long a sub could safely stay bound before going numb in the limbs. He pointed out some major nerves to avoid wrapping or binding such as the radial nerve running along the outer bicep. After showing the basic hog tie he went on to a more advanced version including a chest strap. This more advanced version is safer for a sub to stay bound for longer periods of time. He showed how to create a chest strap so as to not choke the neck. There were many couples practicing the techniques.
After the tutorial session there was a race. It was a race to see who could hog tie their partner fastest but there was an added challenge. After being fully bound the sub had to pick up a plastic spoon in their mouth and put it in an empty solo cup without the cup tipping over. This is way harder than the picture happening in your head right now. The sub has zero range of motion, it was pretty amusing to watch.
Before the play could begin the moderators gathered everyone in the main room to go over rules of the party.
1. You need verbal l permission to play with another person, if they have a dom you need to request permission from the dom as well
2. Safety words for the party are RED means full immediate stop, and YELLOW means slow down and check in, a sub can use these safety words at anytime
3. If you here someone say RED and the scene is not stopping find your nearest moderator to report
4. Leave your area cleaner than when you came use sanitizer to clean after your scene
There were three moderators, 2 men and 1 woman. They were recognizable by the red armband they were wearing. All the moderators spent the evening walking around the house ensuring everyone was safe. I felt safe in this space.
I never heard RED being used at anytime during the night. I was never approached by anyone or creeped out by any of the party attendees.
Scenes I saw…
- sub/dom flogging on X, later saw same couple having oral sex
- one girl chained to ceiling and feet spread but locked together on floor, she was blindfolded, group of people playing with her, sensory experiences, many different textures, ice, feathers, fur, some flogging, pushing her back and forth, about 4-5 people playing with her
- sub/dom spanking/flogging on medical table
- needle play, stick design and making a flower
- massage play, just massage
- sub/dom girl/girl in mainly room, very sensual sub was on hands and knees on a table, dom started by kissing an touching her, then used a flog and spanking while intermittently touching her, dom was also spinning flog and kind of dancing
- girl/girl/guy in a room with a medical table, girl was being play with by girl and guy, guy was giving her pleasure and fingering her, while girl was spanking
- fire play on long wooden table in main play room, girl was chained to table, guy was playing with her, he had two candles, a butane tank with torch, and rubbing alcohol or some other accelerant, he also had a 2-tipped rod one tip was on fire and the other he used to rub the accelerant onto skin, he would make very swift motions of rubbing the accelerant on the skin lighting it then smothering it out with his hand. The skin was never on fire and the sensation was very brief. He also used hot wax to play. He also used chinese glass bulbs for suctioning to her back. This is called fire cupping. He would take the cup put the enflamed rod into it for a few seconds then immeditately turn the cup upside down and place it on the skin of the back. This was repeated until around 10-12 cups were on her back. The cups were clear and you could see the reddened skin being sucked up quite a lot into the cup, the skin looked rather swollen. He left the cups on for a while and then removed the one by one. They all left round red marks, one cup left a large purple mark. It looked bit like she had been attacked by a horny octopus.
- free style wrestling/fighting sub/dom girl/guy on the floor of the main play room
- full body suspension by pulley system in main play room
- punishment in the mini-cage
- saw lots of comforting in the recovery and living rooms, the subs were in cozy pajamas and wrapped in blankets while their doms and lovers gently petted and massaged them, lots of cuddling
- group hug to finish off the night
They provided food and water/soda at the party. This party was dry meaning no alcohol was allowed. The food consisted mostly of a variety of weird oreos, I think someone went to the store and just said give me all the oreos you have. ALL THE OREOS YOU HAVE.